Mother's Day

On this day every year, mothers are celebrated and elevated to queen status, as children all over the nation give thanks to the women that gave them life.  I, however, would like to do things a little differently this year.  I would like to give thanks to the three people that make this day possible for me.


To Julian, my amazing baby boy...
Your courage and passion astounds me every day.  Never in a million years could I imagine the way my life would change the day I became your mother.  You give so much to me and your family.  You make me better and stronger, and I can't imagine one day on earth without you in it.  You will change the world and I will watch proudly knowing you are my son.


To my princess, Isabella...
There is a special bond that girls share with their mommies, and I thank my lucky stars every day that God gave me you to share that special bond with.  Your heart is so full of love and you give that love so freely and unconditionally.  You fill our family with sunshine and the day you came into our lives you made us complete.  I await the day that you will smile upon your own children and gift them with your wonderful generosity and spirit.


I will be forever grateful to both of you...for giving my life meaning and purpose...for making each day an adventure...and for calling me Mami.


Last, but not least, to my husband, my lover, friend, partner in life.  There is no greater gift on earth than the one you have already given me...the gift of being a mother.  Thank you for making these wonderful children with me and for helping me raise them into the amazing individuals they are becoming.  


Thank you for being you and for choosing me.  


XO.

This Moment...and Some Words...

Does it ever happen to you,
That you lose touch with a very good friend,
And you tell yourself you're gonna call,
But you don't,
Because you can't seem to find the time,
And you promise to make the time tomorrow,
But you don't,
Because you really don't have any,
Or because you're just making excuses,
Because it's been a really long time,
And now you don't know what to say,
And you feel ashamed and guilty,
But you really do love your friend,
And you miss them...
Does that ever happen to you?
Well...that's what's happening to me with this blog.
I miss it and all of you,
But I've been gone so long now that I don't know where to start.
Maybe this is the start,
Where I say, 
"I've been gone a while, but I've been thinking of you, and I will be back."
Very soon...


Linking with SouleMama.

Learning...

Let me just say right out of the gate that I don’t home school and I’m not very familiar with the ins and outs of it.  I understand the basic concept, but I cannot speak to it with any type of authority.  My kids have always gone to a traditional brick and mortar school.  I also have only recently (through many blogs posted by you all out there) come to know the term “unschooling,” and although the concept fascinates me the unstructured-ness quality of it leaves me with many unanswered questions.

That being said, there are some things that I am, and that is a mother who loves her children and wants to see them grow to be smart and successful adults.   So, when I went to my 2^nd graders parent conference last week, I was naturally very verbal, asking a lot of questions and doing a lot of explaining about the things we do at home to supplement what’s being taught in school.  My daughter’s teacher was very receptive to my questions and encouraging in regards to continuing to work with Bella at home.  She said to my husband and me, “You can always tell which are the children who spend a lot of time with their parents, doing things with their parents, and she is definitely one of them.”  Well, this made me feel a little sad for the kids that don’t have parents at home that spend the kind of time we do with our kids, doing the kinds of things we do in order to ensure that they are learning and developing appropriately.  However, it also made me realize that all along I have been doing the thing I thought I wasn’t by sending my kids to a public school – homeschooling.

My very first job as a teen was as an after-school aide in a preschool.  I loved working with the kids on projects and I always thought I would go into teaching.  Alas, things don’t always turn out as you expect them to and I became a Sociologist instead, but the love of teaching is at the very core of who I am.  Fortunately for me, I have been able to pursue that love with my children.  Even at nineteen, with a new baby and no idea how to raise a child, I have always instilled a love of learning in my children.

With Julian, it started with books.  Both my husband and I love books, and so naturally we wanted our son to love them as well.  When I was pregnant with Julian, Luis and I would sit in bed at night and take turn reading Grimm’s Fairy Tales to my belly.  As soon as Julian was able to open his eyes and stay focused for prolonged periods of time, we continued “reading” to him by showing him picture books and talking about the pictures.  At seven months, my son spoke his first word and by one year he was speaking in clear and complete sentences.  At nine years old he was reading book five of the Harry Potter series on his own and by twelve the favorite was Dan Brown’s The DaVinci Code.  He has always also excelled in math and science and has an amazing ability to remember complex concepts at a very detailed level.

When Isabella came along, I thought, “Ok, this one is going to be my ‘normal’ child.”  We followed the same pattern with her, reading from infancy and encouraging exploration and learning every day.  However, when at one year she had the typical repertoire of 10 or so words, which is probably developmentally ok, I began to panic.  Of course, my only comparison was Julian, my brain child.  I had to continually remind myself that she was developing just fine and that I really needed to stop comparing her to her brother.

The toddler years brought on may fun days of painting, coloring, cutting, and pasting.  Talking about letters and numbers and colors and shapes.  Because we are working parents, we tried to maximize the time we have to expose our children to as much learning as we can.  I let go of the comparisons and relished in having another little one through whose eyes I could re-experience the world.  Then, when Bella turned four, something happened.  Something clicked in her little brain and in six short months, she went from reciting her ABCs to reading If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

Once she started kindergarten, it became instantly apparent that I needed to step up my game a t home because the school curriculum was simply not going to cut it.  We began reading more at home, doing more spelling and writing activities, and practicing some simple addition (“If I have 5 apples and I eat 2, how many do I have left?”).  Now, my daughter is in second grade doing third grade math and reading at an almost fourth grade level.  She probably could have skipped kindergarten altogether.  I still panic that whatever clicked in her brain at four years old will click back someday and she will fall behind; so I relentlessly continue to push her to her limits at home.  I love the social environment that she is exposed to at school and so does she.  She loves going to school and I would never take that away from her.  However, I also know that school is not enough…that I need to use my time at home to fill in gaps and continue to create an environment for her where she can feel challenged.

So, I guess I have come to the realization that education does not need to be a one or the other type of approach.  There is really no such thing as traditional school v.s. homeschooling.  I argue that you can have both.  You can’t really pigeon-hole kids and judge the decisions that parents make regarding the children’s education.  There is no right answer for everyone, there is only the right answer for your child right now.  My kids?  Yeah, they go to public school…but they have also been homeschooled all of their lives by two loving parents who feel that learning happens every moment of everyday, whether you’re sitting at desk in front of a chalk board or sitting on mommy or daddy’s lap reading a book.  Learning doesn’t start and stop…it is a continuum…and we are all students as well as teachers.

Lucky

Taken from Microsoft Word Clipart

We all (often) ruminate about our lives…and how we feel.  I’m sure there are many times when you say, “I’m so busy” or “I’m so tired.”  Or maybe sometimes you look at the bright side and say, “I’m so happy” or “I feel so loved.”  But do you ever stop to think about how lucky you are?  I do.  A lot.

I think it’s inevitable to dwell on the bad sometimes.  There are days when we are feeling down and nothing seems to go right.  You know the days.  When you wake up and stub your toe on your way to the bathroom and think, “It’s gonna be one of those days.”

Then there are the days when life couldn’t be better.  When happiness and joy consumes us, and the love we feel for others and others feel for us, fills up our heart to almost bursting.  These are great days, and most of us try to make sure that these days far outweigh the bad ones.

But what I mean when I say lucky is not happiness or joy or love.  I’m talking about something else…something outside of ourselves that sets in motion outcomes and results that affect our lives in a myriad of ways.

Luck – a combination of circumstances or events that, by chance, shape other circumstances or events.  Could be good or could be bad…but when we say lucky, we usually mean good.

I know what you're thinking...there's nothing lucky about stubing your toe first thing in the morning and watching the rest of your day go downhill from there, Gail.  And your right.  Sometimes life gets sucky, and it seems that no matter what we do, it only gets worse.  Sometimes when we are feeling crappy, happiness and joy eludes us, and despair takes over no matter how hard we try to the contrary.  However, it doesn't have to be all gloom, all the time.

You see, sometimes…when I’m having one of those days…I start thinking.  I think about the events in my life that have shaped who I am.  I think about the people I’ve met and the relationships I’ve forged.  I think about where I’ve been, where I’m going, and how far I’ve come.  I think about all of the decisions I’ve made right, and all of the things I’ve learned from the ones I’ve made wrong.  I think about all the ways in which my life is whole and healthy and good.  And I feel…lucky!  Lucky because in my thirty-five years on Earth there have been many circumstances and events that have led me down many paths.  And, although those paths have not always been smooth, and I’ve had to back-track a few times, they have always led me to a good place.  

And sometimes these are things we need to think about when we are having one of those days, so we can clear out gray clouds and make room for the happiness and the joy and the love to find it's way back into our lives and our hearts.

A big thank you to all those that visit, and leave me happy notes.  They truly make my day, as they are proof that someone is reading this stuff :)  I’m very lucky to have such wonderful blog-friends!  Wishing you a very lucky weekend!


This post is dedicated to my beautiful mother, who's having one of those days.   Love you, Mom <3

The Beginning

I have been thinking about this post for a while.  The words have been flitting through my mind for weeks, but I haven’t been able to get a handle on them.  I thought they would come when the kids started school or over Labor Day weekend when all of the Fall decorations came out of storage and my home its metamorphosis into shades of red, orange, yellow, and brown.  But the days were still hot and sticky, and the nights stifling.  It wasn’t time yet. 

Then, when I began my “Uncovering Happiness” project, and started on my first resolution of restoring order to house and home, I thought, “Now the words will settle and allow themselves to be written.”  But this new project has been met with some resistance.  Not by me, but by the time I can’t seem to find in the 24-hour cycle of the rising and setting of the sun.  The only words available were words of frustration and annoyance…and those words have no place here.

I was starting to lose hope.  I was beginning to think that Fall has lost its magic.  That perhaps I was falling into the same melancholy state that gripped me at the beginning of summer.  I was becoming anxious and restless and was prepared to write off the whole season before it began. 

Then today I woke up and the sun wasn’t shinning.  The morning was cool and crisp and overcast.  And by midafternoon, when I still hadn’t had to turn on the AC, I thought, it’s finally here…and the words stopped and sighed with relief.  You see, Fall is my favorite season.  And I don’t just mean like purple is my favorite color…no, Fall is my season. 

Spring tends to be the season many associate with “The Beginning”.  After the cold bleakness of Winter, Spring, and all its glorious colors warm us…flowers bloom, winged friends busily begin to spreading life, and the sun breaks through the clouds warming our hearts and our lives.  But for me the true beginning begins when August gives way to September and the leaves start changing and falling.  I literally feel the Earth cleansing itself and making room for the new, and so, I also begin cleansing and making room for the new.  September sets the tone for the rest of the year.  There is another round of birthdays to plan, the holidays to divvy up among friends and family, and the new school year.  I beginning planning for breaks – Christmas, Spring Break, and Summer – so that budgets are established and time off work can be arranged.  It is a busy time, but it fills me with hope and anticipation for the year ahead.  My season.  The one I look forward to all year long.

I know it’s technically not Fall yet, but today I feel it in the air.  Today I feel the magic of this wonderful season, and I can see clearly all the good that awaits us this year.  Today I am at the beginning…and it is glorious indeed!  I hope yours is too!

Time

Today I felt time move.  
It was a tangible feeling...like a small whisper of a breeze blowing on an otherwise windless day.
It was there...and then it wasn't.
It was an awesome thing, this feeling of time passing.
Scary...but awesome.  
It was like living in the past, the present, and the future, all at the same time.
Not just thinking about these states of being, but really being.


We always talk about living in the moment and how short life is, but until today, when I physically experienced the movement of time as it passed through me, I didn't really understand the significance of these words. 
I realized in that moment what it means when we say that time cannot be slowed down, detained, or made to wait.  


Time is it's own.


We can pretend to control time with calendars and watches and schedules, but in reality, no matter what is penciled in on the calendar or what time our watch reads, time will pass...whether we are doing many things...or nothing at all.  
Everyday is precious, yes...but so is every hour, every minute, and every second.  Every thought, feeling, idea, moment, and breath is carried away, second by second, minute by minute, and hour by hour, by the palpable stream of time that runs through us, and around us, everyday.


Seems obvious doesn't it?  So why do we so often lose sense of time, even when we take time to slow down and live in the moment?  


I think today I discovered that, at least for me, it is the physical aspect of time that I have been missing.  To know something in your mind is good...but to feel it in your heart, body, and soul is to experience it to its fullest capacity. That is truly living in the moment...to experience time...this time, the last time, and next time with our entire being.  




Linking this photo to the 52 Photos Project.

Monthly Reflection

During my time away I have done a lot of thinking about this space.  These words by MJ over a Wander Wonder Discover inspired me to synthesis these thoughts and come to some realizations.

See, when I started this blog, I really just wanted a space where I could allow my ideas, thoughts, and inspirations to roam free.  However, as I began exploring blogland I found so many wonderful friends involved in so many wonderful things.  I yearned to be part of a community of creative minded women who love sharing their creations with each other.  I began to plan and organize my days around all of the blog alongs, and almost immediately I hit a brick wall.  I began to obsess about having a post for Yarn Along or completing my ICAD or having a picture for These Moments, and my ideas, thoughts, and inspirations took a back seat.  I love knitting and taking pictures and drawing, but it became something I had to do instead of something I wanted to do.

This time away has helped me to reassess the reasons I started this blog.  Like MJ talks about in her post, I had to ask myself...Is this blog for me or for others?  The answer is that although I love that other's read my posts, the blog is for me...or at least it should be.  Let's be honest, I don;t have hundreds of people hanging on my every word.  I have reached out to some old friends and made some new ones that have liked what I have to say well enough that they have decided to visit regularly.  I do hope to make many more new friends as time goes by, and I also do love participating in the blog alongs...but I have decided that these will have to come naturally as opportunities present themselves and not because I am forcing them to occur.  

I hope that my renewed determination to refocus this blog on what it was intended to be - living my best day everyday and sharing my journey - will recreate this space into one that provides me with the avenue to express myself, and perhaps inspires the lives of others in the process.

Monthly Reflection

I made a mistake.  I have made many in my life and I’m sure I’ll make many more.  But this was a big one…one that has shaped my life and the person I have become.  Many people make the same mistake.  Some fix it and other’s spend an entire lifetime regretting it.

The mistake?  Getting too far into a career that, although very secure and lucrative, leaves me feeling sad and empty.  I hate my job.  It does not make me happy.  But it has allowed my family to live comfortably and securely.  I’m good at it, but I don’t love it.  I wake up every morning wishing it were Saturday.  I spend every weekend wishing I could hit the pause button and spend those two glorious days off in “groundhog day” mode, like the movie, so I don’t have to face Monday and another day of work.

The crux of it all is that I have a pretty nice job.  I have a great boss.  I work with great people who I considered friends.  I have flexibility with my time.  I work at my own pace, without anyone looking over my shoulder.  My opinions matter and are valued, and I have some degree of decision making ability.  Oh, and I did mention that the pay is good, right?

So what’s my problem?  Well, the job can be high stress at times, which is something I can do without considering I’m pretty high stress myself without any help.  And although there is some room for innovation in my current job, my creative side (which is a really big part of who I am) is basically ignored.  I find myself trying to fill up my life with creative pursuits outside of work that often leave me feeling more stressed because frankly, with two children and household and family responsibilities I really don’t have time to pursue anything besides sleep.

So lately I have been really unhappy and it’s taking a toll on my family.  I snap too much and spend a lot of time feeling very unmotivated.  I try to carve out thinking time to either figure out a way out of this mess or just come to terms with it, but I can’t seem to find my way to one side or the other.  The fact of the matter is that I am not prepared to make the kinds of sacrifices that walking away from it all would entail…not because of me, but because I would not be the only one sacrificing and I don’t want to place my family in that position.  On the other hand, I simply cannot accept that this is it!  That I will spend the rest of my life feeling completely unfulfilled in my professional life and stuck in the rat race.

I have no answers and even the questions seem a bit uncertain right now.  In the mean time I am trying to live by way of a quote by Arthur Ashe shared with me by a friend over at A is for Akari…

“Start where you are.  Do what you can. Use what you have.”

Until next time…

Monthly Reflection

I have been feeling very uninspired lately.  Not sure of it’s the hectic pace we seem to be living at as Luis nears the end of his first year of his MSW program, or the thoughts of the adjustments we will have to make come September when he begins again, adding an internship along with his three classes and full-time job.  At this point, the months of summer seem to stretch before us as a welcome respite from the chaotic life we have been living this past year, yet, at the same time, insufficient as I try to figure out how we are going to pack one school years worth of quality family time into two measly months.

As I ponder all of these certainties, eventualities, and possibilities, an overwhelming feeling of defeat fills me, which leaves no room for inspiration of any kind.  The past few weekends have passed practically uneventful, as I don’t do the chores I should be doing or start the projects I should be starting or make the plans I should me making.  Friday comes and I feel drained.  I end up half-heartedly getting through the weekend.  Then Sunday comes and the work week looms before me with all of the stressing and rushing and juggling that accompanies life in our household these days.

Today…as I sit on my couch and stare out my window, the dust bunnies sweeping past, the unfolded laundry in a pile beside me, I look for some words of comfort from someone who has been there, done that.  I randomly open my copy of Katrina Kenisons’ a Gift of an Ordinary Day and I come across these words:

Life knocks us all off course at one time or another, I tell them, and right now it’s my turn.  I let them see me cry a little, I accept every hug that comes my way, and then I remind myself, over and over…that when a door closes, another one always opens.  I am simply going to need to keep an eye out for it, so that when I see it, I’ll be ready to walk through.

How appropriate!  I am definitely having an off-course moment and it’s gratifying to read the words of another who has gone through the same moments in life and can offer words of wisdom to help me view my circumstances, not as a deep well I have fallen into and can’t seem to climb up out of, but more like a waiting room with many doors, one of which will open at any given moment and provide me with an opportunity to take a new path.

So, for now, I suppose I will simply accept and find peace in this place I am in and trust that life knows where it is taking me…and when the time is right, I will know the path that I must follow next.  in the meantime, I will work on surrendering my worries of the future and my expectations of the present, and simply enjoy what I have right now…dust bunnies, a pile of laundry, and a beautiful spring day!

Food Troubles: Part Two

Remember my food obsession?  It has officially become a food dilemma.  Since March I have completely revamped (or tried to, anyway) the way our family eats.  I have been shopping regularly at the Farmer’s Market, I have practically eliminated all packaged foods, and I make from scratch home cooked meals an average of 5 days per week.  I have made my own almond milk and my own strawberry jelly.  A typical snack around here is apples with cheddar cheese cubes as opposed to packaged snacks.  I am buying free range eggs, free range chicken, and fair trade coffee.  I have done all this and yet I’m in a food PANIC!!

Why?  Because I don’t know what to eat!!  I have become hypersensitive about food!  I don’t trust labels that claim food is organic, natural, glutten free, whole grain, or farm fresh.  I mean…can Skippy peanut butter really be natural?  Can Fruit Loops really be whole grain?  I am not even reassured when I go to my local Farmer’s Market grocery.  Is all that packaged stuff really good for you just because they sell it at Trader Joes or Whole Foods?   The other day I was listening to NPR and they were talking about healthier potato chips.  HOW CAN THERE BE A HEALTHY POTATO CHIP?! 

I think back over the past couple of months and I am glad I made all these changes, but can this be sustained?  How much longer until I give in and buy frozen mashed potatoes so I can cut my kitchen time down during the work week?  It just seems to me that eating healthy shouldn’t have to be this hard.  Just eat real food right?  But what if it’s not organic or free range?  What if the cantaloupe comes from Guatemala?  I wish I could just walk into my local Sprouts and buy my groceries and KNOW that I’m being good to my body and the environment.

I am currently reading a book by James E. McWilliams called Just Food:  Where Locavores Get it Wrong and How We Can Truly Eat Responsible.  I just started it, but what I’ve read so far makes sense.  He talks about the branding of food…how industries have hijacked terms like organic to cash in on the food craze currently sweeping the nation…and to some degree it’s hard not to agree.  I wish I had a big back yard where I could grow my own fruits and vegetables or live by a farm where I could buy sustainable meat.  However, my choices are limited and I often feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

So I am appealing to all you out there.  How do you make food choices for your family?  Do you sacrifice some things to attain others?  Is there a happy medium?

Disconnecting to Connect

As a wife and full-time working mother of two I often feel there are not enough hours in my day to meet the needs of my nuclear family, let alone tend to my roles of daughter, step-daughter, daughter-in-law, granddaughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, and friend. I have let relationships fall by the wayside on several occasions and later lived to regret it. And yet, the thought of taking precious time away from my children (of which there is little to go around already) is not something I will even allow myself to entertain. So many times I have told myself that this is just a season in my life, that my children will grow up and not need me as much, that when I am older and they are grown I will have more time for myself and other relationships. But at what expense?

 We are all concerned with the daily grind, as my dad calls it. The appointments and chores, the planning and executing, the calendars and reminders. However, it is relationships that make life. All that other stuff is just what we do in between. Unfortunately, so many of us spend so much time focusing on the in between that we lose sight of our true purpose. We attempt to organize and micromanage our lives instead of cultivating our relationships. We spend more and more time updating our Facebook statuses than talking with those we love. In very many ways, I feel we are losing our humanity, the thing that makes us alive and connects us to our natural world.

I started this blog on a whim. I had blogged before, when I first started Grad school. Back then I did it more to release stress and empty my mind of all the sociological concepts I was learning. It became a sounding board of ideas of sorts. I wrote blogs about the application of sociological theory to real life circumstances. I riled against in justices. I questioned love, marriage, children, death, and my purpose here on Earth. Eventually, my graduate work became my focus and I fizzled out on blogging.

I finished the M.A. eventually which freed me up to write again, but by then I was consumed by the Facebook phenomena. I was connecting with friends and family I had not heard from in a long time and I was busy catching up and staying current. I began posting statuses throughout the day…not the meaningless “I’m eating breakfast now” statuses, but little bits about my family or my day I felt were a little more unique. The more I posted the more I realized that I missed writing and soon that little status box didn’t seem quite big enough to fit all of the thoughts running through my head.

Then several months ago, my friend Danielle started her own blog Mama and the Music Man (go check it out…it’s awesome!). I was hooked on day one and began to anxiously await her next post. Then one day, I noticed her blog roll and began clicking away, and hit the jackpot! I discovered there is a whole blog universe out there of Moms, just like me, who are raising kids, laughing, living, and loving, and trying to embrace the simple pleasures. I knew right away I had to join in! At first I wasn’t sure I could find anything to write about. What could I possibly have to say? But over the past few months of writing and reading I have learned to look at my life differently, and I have learned that when we pause to reflect on the everyday, we find many things worth mentioning and many images worth capturing.

This weekend I plan to seriously downsize my Facebook account. I have decided that, at this stage in my life, the quality of my relationships is more important than the number of friends on my friend list. I will continue to use Facebook to keep in touch with special friends and family who are spread out all over the globe, but I will no longer be limiting myself to the 400 characters or less status box. Starting this blog has helped me realize that I have things to say. It is my hope that this blog will allow me to make connections with others who want to listen.

Monthly Reflection

A lot has happened since my last post on self reflection; nothing earth shattering or life changing, just a lot of living. I have shared many of these moments with you here in the past weeks. During this time, however, I have struggled with my commitment to embrace the ordinary and live each day to the fullest. I have spent the past month battling myself and my family, and allowing myself to get bogged down by the everyday tasks that need to be accomplished. Several times during this past month I have heard my husband ask me, “What happened to simplifying your life an accepting each day as it comes?”

Yeah…what happened?

I have been contemplating this question for several days now, trying to figure where I’ve gone wrong. Where is the contentment and peace I should be feeling? Why do I feel so overwhelmed? Where is my balance? Maybe I’m not trying hard enough?

Then a couple of days ago I received and email from a blog I follow written by one of my favorite authors, Katrina Kenison. You will find her books listed on my blog under “Books That Inspire Me” and I have also mentioned her in past posts. In her newest blog she talks about the challenge of being the moment. There is a particular line in her post that especially hit home. She is walking on the beach with her husband, contemplating the loss of her children’s childhoods while desperately trying to enjoying the moment with her husband. Reflecting back on this moment in her post, she writes:

“I might have held my husband’s hand and shared my feelings with him, and allowed him to comfort me a little instead of trudging along in silence as I did, convinced that I should somehow be doing a ‘better’ job of walking on the beach.”

 When I read this, it was like a puzzle piece locked into place and I realized that I have been doing the same thing! Instead of really embracing simplicity and bringing balance into my life, I spend the majority of my time thinking, “This should be easier. I can do this better. Try harder.”

So now I felt that I had zeroed in on the problem, but how to go about fixing it? Stop trying. Easier said than done…and what does that mean anyway? When people say “don’t try so hard” are they saying that this is a level of trying that is ok and more than that will tip the scale? If so, what’s the magic number?

The answer to all my questions was sitting in my mailbox yesterday. I subscribe to Yoga Journal (great magazine, by the way) and I just received the May issue. Twenty or so pages in I’m reading an article written by the cover model, who did an entire cover shoot underwater for this issue which is related to water; pollution, conservation, and so forth. The author is describing the challenges she was faced with during the shoot and she writes, “After a few difficult tries, I realized that as I juggled all of these elements, I was missing the most important one: surrender.” Another puzzle piece clicked into place. That’s the answer. Surrender.

Now, you may say, “Well isn’t that the same thing as not trying so hard?” and I would say no, at least not to me. Not trying is giving up. Surrendering is giving in. In my quest to embrace life, I have lost sight of the fact that in order to truly savor each moment of everyday I need to let go and give myself completely and unselfishly to the moment. Instead of actively trying to embrace the moment, I need to surrender; to give in to the experience. AND…I need to surrender to those moments that bring me pain, sadness, and anger as much as to those that bring me laughter and joy, because it is at the difficult times that I will learn most about myself and grow as a human being.

Putting this all into context, my resolve is unwavering. I am still committed to living my very best day every day. However, I have learned two things this past month: as I travel on this journey I will inevitably encounter obstacles, but if I keep an open mind and an open heart, the answers will come to me at the time I need them most. Trust and surrender.

My Revelation...

Last time I posted I expressed my desire to slow my life down this year.  I talked about the importance of savoring every moment – the everyday moments we often ignore, view as tedious, or take for granted.  For the past few months I have been reading, researching, and reflecting, trying to find the key to slowing down.  I have made an effort to plan less and allow life to happen more.  I have found myself staring at my children as they do an activity or relay a story, letting those simple actions burn into my memory – what they said, how they sound, the emotion that passes over their features.  I have found seemingly quite moments to lay my head in my husband lap as he is reading or watching TV and allowed myself to feel the simplicity of the moment. 

In these past months, I can’t say I haven’t read some good articles or found some fascinating websites and blogs.  I also can’t say I haven’t felt instances of peace and joy and complete happiness.  However, I find myself wondering more often than not if my active pursuit of stillness isn’t in some ways defying the purpose of the whole exercise.  Now instead of constantly thinking of ways to stay busy and be active, I am constantly searching for ways to be happy in my inactivity.  Consequently, I still often feel harried and pressured and anxious.  Am I taking advantage of this moment to the fullest?  Am I really looking and listening to what is happening right now?  Have I turned my mind off enough so as to savor this moment?  Have I extracted the most I can out of this day…this hour… this minute?

The hardest part about slowing down your life and taking more time to enjoy the everyday is that the world keeps moving at a brisk pace around you no matter your best intentions.  To balance the need for doing with the desire for not doing is more difficult than simply allowing the fast pace of life to drag you along.  My husband would say that balance is the key – that it is both impossible and necessary to do nothing.  That real contentment comes when we learn to accept the things we have no control over and take joy in the simple pleasures of life.  I agree, but how do I achieve balance? 

 The answer has come to me recently from the lips of my 7 year old daughter.  On Valentine’s Day the kids were home from school so I stayed home with them.  Since I was home, I decided to make a Valentine’s Day dinner.  As I cooked pasta and baked cupcakes, Isabella cut out hearts for a heart garland and heart mobiles to decorate our dining room.  My son, Julian, chipped in by helping with household chores.  When Luis came home we had a great dinner and I passed out small Valentine gifts.  We all wore heart crowns and ate cupcakes for dessert.  It was a terrific evening.  Later that night, as I was snuggling with Isabella in bed, she turned to me a said, “Today was the best day of my life.”  I chuckled and thought how sweet.  I didn’t think about her statement again until several days later.  It was her birthday and we had spent months planning a Red Carpet Hollywood theme party for a few of her school friends.  The girls had a blast and we had fun making it all happen for them.  That night Isabella once again told me, “Mommy, today was the best birthday of my life.”  I smiled and brushed off the comment again thinking to myself, “Yeah…until your next birthday.” 

This past Tuesday Isabella stayed home with dad.  She had caught a cold over the long weekend and Luis wanted to take her to the doctor and give her an extra day to rest at home.  When I got home from work dinner was ready and they were playing The Game of Life.  She seemed to have enjoyed her time home with dad.  At bedtime I asked her if she had a fun day with her daddy.  She answered, “Well, we didn’t really do anything.  He shopped for groceries and he cooked and I played in my room and we played Life.  It was the best day of my life!”  And that’s when it hit me.  This was the best day of her life because it was the present.  Isabella doesn’t dwell on yesterday or live for tomorrow.  Every day is the best day of her life because she is living it!   At this stage in her life she lives in perfect balance.  There are good things that happen in her day and maybe sometimes bad things.  She sometimes has active days, and sometimes more boring days.  However, none of that is important because at the end of the day she has had the best day.  No matter what she has done that day, the important thing is that she did it!

After having this revelation I have found myself murmuring at odd times, “This is the best day of my life.”  And you know what?  It is.  No matter what happens in my day – if I’m busy or bored, if I had a good day or a bad day, if someone made me angry or made me laugh – it is the best day because I have lived it and shared it with those I love.  And so, my commitment remains the same; however, the path has shifted.  I will endeavor to do as my husband says and learn to accept what I have no control over and take joy in the simple pleasures in life and, like my daughter, every day will be the best day of my life.  And it is in this spirit that I have decided to change the name of my blog and refocus my time here to sharing the best days of my life with all of you!

Yearly Reflection

The beginning of January is always a time a great reflection for me. It is not only a new calendar year, but also a new year of life, as my birthday is on the 9^th of the month. And so, my reflections tend to be deeper and all-encompassing. Most people use the start of the new year to look forward, make resolutions, develop plans and goals for the year ahead. Many people refrain from looking back over the year past, as the feel it is just that – the past. However, I feel that the only way to move forward is to first review the past and the lessons it has imparted.

As I look back on 2010 and my 34^th year of life, there are many occasions, experiences, and emotions that come to mind. I recall with fondness many social gatherings among friends and family. I recall with joy my children’s birthdays, our family vacations, walking for my Masters, our annual apple picking trip, the holiday season just past. I recall with sadness my visits to City of Hope to see my cousin who is battling cancer and my intense grief at the knowledge of another cousin’s loss of his wife at age 32. However, despite all of these memories, I really don’t feel as if I remember the past year at all. These are all just moments…snippets of time that could have occurred in any year. What about the time in between? What about the daily living that occurs as we love, laugh, cry, watch our children grow, watch ourselves and our partners evolve, foster new relationships, nurture existing relationships, build our home and our families?

I recently finished a book titled Mitten Strings for God: Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry, by Katrina Kenison, where the author states:

The most precious moments of my family’s life are not the ones illuminated by birthday candles, Christmas lights, or amusement park rides, and they cannot be captured on film or tape. The moments I hold most dear are those that arise unbidden in the course of any day – small, evanescent, scarcely worth noticing except for the fact that I am being offered, for just one second, a glimpse into another’s soul.

When I read this I had an Aha! moment and realized I have been missing out every year on the very things that make life meaningful…the time in between. I have been concentrating so hard on getting from one milestone to the other – the birthday, the holiday, the vacation, etc. – that I have been ignoring the living! I will forever have photos of my children’s birthdays, souvenirs of our trip to Yosemite, and the handprint on the school-made Mother’s Day card…but will I remember the way my daughters face looked as she slept cuddled next to me in bed at age six, or my sophomore son’s face as he finally mastered his AP Euro class and raised his grade, or my husbands excited head bops as he listens to a CD of his newest favorite band, or my families hilarious laughter at my mother’s attempt to guess picture puzzle while playing a game of Cadoo?

As we grow older, life seems to zip by us at an ever increasing rate. We feel a greater sense of urgency with each passing year to do more, see more, experience more, before our time runs out. My fifteen year old son is already feeling the effects of this phenomenon and says that the year seems to go by faster now that when he was younger. But the reality is that time is constant. A year has 365 days and a day has 24 hours when we are five years old and when we are eighty-five. Time doesn’t move any faster – we do. For my daughter who is seven years old, every day is infinite. She will wake up tomorrow and think, “What am I doing today? What will today bring?” On the other hand, I will wake up tomorrow thinking, “There won’t be enough hours in the day to do all I have to do. What are my plans for this week, next month, next year?” As children we live in the moment and at some point in our lives we learn (from watching the adults around us) how to live continually in the future. No wonder time passes so quickly! No wonder we can’t remember what happens between one milestone and another!

So for 2011, and my 35^th year of life, I intend to live every minute of every day of every week of every month. I plan on savoring all the in between moments – every smile, every laugh, every tear. I aim to capture every seemingly insignificant instance with my mind, my heart, and my soul. I promise to allow my daily living to envelope me happily and completely. Next year on January 9th when I reflect on the year past, I don’t want to only remember the important dates or the Kodak moments, but the cuddles and kisses, the stories at bedtime, the sound of teenage laughter, the feel of the intimate embraces. I want to remember the year with the richness and fullness that is my daily life and that defines me and my family. Here’s to right now…Cheers!