Monday, July 25, 2011

Monthly Reflection

I made a mistake.  I have made many in my life and I’m sure I’ll make many more.  But this was a big one…one that has shaped my life and the person I have become.  Many people make the same mistake.  Some fix it and other’s spend an entire lifetime regretting it.

The mistake?  Getting too far into a career that, although very secure and lucrative, leaves me feeling sad and empty.  I hate my job.  It does not make me happy.  But it has allowed my family to live comfortably and securely.  I’m good at it, but I don’t love it.  I wake up every morning wishing it were Saturday.  I spend every weekend wishing I could hit the pause button and spend those two glorious days off in “groundhog day” mode, like the movie, so I don’t have to face Monday and another day of work.

The crux of it all is that I have a pretty nice job.  I have a great boss.  I work with great people who I considered friends.  I have flexibility with my time.  I work at my own pace, without anyone looking over my shoulder.  My opinions matter and are valued, and I have some degree of decision making ability.  Oh, and I did mention that the pay is good, right?

So what’s my problem?  Well, the job can be high stress at times, which is something I can do without considering I’m pretty high stress myself without any help.  And although there is some room for innovation in my current job, my creative side (which is a really big part of who I am) is basically ignored.  I find myself trying to fill up my life with creative pursuits outside of work that often leave me feeling more stressed because frankly, with two children and household and family responsibilities I really don’t have time to pursue anything besides sleep.

So lately I have been really unhappy and it’s taking a toll on my family.  I snap too much and spend a lot of time feeling very unmotivated.  I try to carve out thinking time to either figure out a way out of this mess or just come to terms with it, but I can’t seem to find my way to one side or the other.  The fact of the matter is that I am not prepared to make the kinds of sacrifices that walking away from it all would entail…not because of me, but because I would not be the only one sacrificing and I don’t want to place my family in that position.  On the other hand, I simply cannot accept that this is it!  That I will spend the rest of my life feeling completely unfulfilled in my professional life and stuck in the rat race.

I have no answers and even the questions seem a bit uncertain right now.  In the mean time I am trying to live by way of a quote by Arthur Ashe shared with me by a friend over at A is for Akari

“Start where you are.  Do what you can. Use what you have.”

Until next time…

1 comment :

  1. My sister is going through the same thing right now. She found another job, but it comes at a much lower salary. I wish I could offer more, but I do have prayers. Thinking of you Gail and hopeing everything works out.xx