Yearly Reflection

The beginning of January is always a time a great reflection for me. It is not only a new calendar year, but also a new year of life, as my birthday is on the 9^th of the month. And so, my reflections tend to be deeper and all-encompassing. Most people use the start of the new year to look forward, make resolutions, develop plans and goals for the year ahead. Many people refrain from looking back over the year past, as the feel it is just that – the past. However, I feel that the only way to move forward is to first review the past and the lessons it has imparted.

As I look back on 2010 and my 34^th year of life, there are many occasions, experiences, and emotions that come to mind. I recall with fondness many social gatherings among friends and family. I recall with joy my children’s birthdays, our family vacations, walking for my Masters, our annual apple picking trip, the holiday season just past. I recall with sadness my visits to City of Hope to see my cousin who is battling cancer and my intense grief at the knowledge of another cousin’s loss of his wife at age 32. However, despite all of these memories, I really don’t feel as if I remember the past year at all. These are all just moments…snippets of time that could have occurred in any year. What about the time in between? What about the daily living that occurs as we love, laugh, cry, watch our children grow, watch ourselves and our partners evolve, foster new relationships, nurture existing relationships, build our home and our families?

I recently finished a book titled Mitten Strings for God: Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry, by Katrina Kenison, where the author states:

The most precious moments of my family’s life are not the ones illuminated by birthday candles, Christmas lights, or amusement park rides, and they cannot be captured on film or tape. The moments I hold most dear are those that arise unbidden in the course of any day – small, evanescent, scarcely worth noticing except for the fact that I am being offered, for just one second, a glimpse into another’s soul.

When I read this I had an Aha! moment and realized I have been missing out every year on the very things that make life meaningful…the time in between. I have been concentrating so hard on getting from one milestone to the other – the birthday, the holiday, the vacation, etc. – that I have been ignoring the living! I will forever have photos of my children’s birthdays, souvenirs of our trip to Yosemite, and the handprint on the school-made Mother’s Day card…but will I remember the way my daughters face looked as she slept cuddled next to me in bed at age six, or my sophomore son’s face as he finally mastered his AP Euro class and raised his grade, or my husbands excited head bops as he listens to a CD of his newest favorite band, or my families hilarious laughter at my mother’s attempt to guess picture puzzle while playing a game of Cadoo?

As we grow older, life seems to zip by us at an ever increasing rate. We feel a greater sense of urgency with each passing year to do more, see more, experience more, before our time runs out. My fifteen year old son is already feeling the effects of this phenomenon and says that the year seems to go by faster now that when he was younger. But the reality is that time is constant. A year has 365 days and a day has 24 hours when we are five years old and when we are eighty-five. Time doesn’t move any faster – we do. For my daughter who is seven years old, every day is infinite. She will wake up tomorrow and think, “What am I doing today? What will today bring?” On the other hand, I will wake up tomorrow thinking, “There won’t be enough hours in the day to do all I have to do. What are my plans for this week, next month, next year?” As children we live in the moment and at some point in our lives we learn (from watching the adults around us) how to live continually in the future. No wonder time passes so quickly! No wonder we can’t remember what happens between one milestone and another!

So for 2011, and my 35^th year of life, I intend to live every minute of every day of every week of every month. I plan on savoring all the in between moments – every smile, every laugh, every tear. I aim to capture every seemingly insignificant instance with my mind, my heart, and my soul. I promise to allow my daily living to envelope me happily and completely. Next year on January 9th when I reflect on the year past, I don’t want to only remember the important dates or the Kodak moments, but the cuddles and kisses, the stories at bedtime, the sound of teenage laughter, the feel of the intimate embraces. I want to remember the year with the richness and fullness that is my daily life and that defines me and my family. Here’s to right now…Cheers!

In Memoriam...

I've given a lot of thought the last few weeks as to whether or not I should post this blog. However, the more I listen to the news the more disgusted I become, and so I think the time has come for me to put my thoughts on paper (so to speak).

On November 11, 2008, America made a historic decision. It was the decision of all Americans, but of the majority, and each person that made that decision did so for different reasons. Yet collectively, our was made with the hopeful spirit of a better future. Unfortunately with the passing of time, there are some who have come to regret their decision, as inevitably happens when one makes a decision based on emotion. Many of these people are now experiencing feelings of disappointment, and perhaps in some way, betrayal. I would like to impress upon these people the following: If you voted for Obama because you thought he was going to change this country or the world, you made a grave mistake. You allowed emotion to rule a decision that should have been made objectively, with a full understanding of the reality of the circumstances.

I also voted for change that fateful November day, but the message I understood was the following: Once elected, President Obama would stand by me and fight for change, as long as I was willing to make the sacrifices and tough choices that would bring about that change. If I have learned anything in my thirty-four years on planet earth, i have learned that everything in life comes at a cost. There are no free rides. Even the act of living is undertaken with the recognition that we will all one day pay the ultimate price. Why did some of us think, when we went to the polls to cast our vote, that this historic decision would be any different?

The troubles we are facing in America today are not the fault of one man. they are not the fault of this president, or the last president (yes I know, big shock), or of the presidents who came before. The fault lies with the American people. Throughout the centuries, we have become increasingly preoccupied with our individual wants and desires, and in our quest to fulfill these have not stopped to consider the ramifications of our actions on our neighbors, our communities, and our nation...much less the rest of humanity. The troubles we are facing as a nation are not "now" problems. They have existed to some degree for decades and have been compounding throughout our history. Many past presidents have tried, some successfully and some unsuccessfully, to shift the dynamic and slow our progression of reaching the tipping point...some presidents have only made it worse. however, the bottom line remains the same: No act by one man or woman, one administration, or even of our entire government as a whole, can stop the runaway train we seem to be riding.

So the question becomes: When are we going to stop whining and acting like petulant children whose favorite candy has been taken away, and start taking responsibility for our past, our present, and our future? The answer is simple: We aren't ready. We aren't ready for change. We aren't ready for change because we are afraid of what change means. When we voted for change in 2008, our purpose was not to fundamentally change our politics, or spread peace and goodwill, or really improve the life of every American man, women, and child. The "change we wanted was for someone to wave a magic wand and overnight create an America where we could selfishly and without regard to the consequences live our lives as we feel we are entitled to as members of the greatest nation on earth. Well, sorry to burst the Obamamania bubble, but that's not what Obama meant when he said, "Yes We Can!"Now that a year has passed and we see that the man we chose to wave the wand, in effect, has no wand, the country has erupted into a series of tantrums.

Over the past year I have become gradually disgusted with my party, progressively sickened by the opposition, and increasingly disappointed with the American people as a whole. It is unfortunate that at this point in our history we remain unwilling or unable to mature into a nation that can be worthy of the accolades we seem to bestow upon ourselves with regularity. I can't say i have given up hope because my hope stems from a very real desire to one day see my country live up to the expectations I have of it... one nation (meaning a global nation), under God meaning whichever God you choose or choose not to believe in), indivisible (meaning no matter our political affiliation), with liberty and justice for all (meaning no matter our race, creed, color, religion, nationality, ethnicity, country of origin, citizenship status, age, gender, sexual orientation, physical ability, or any other insignificant difference I may have forgotten). However, for now, I grieve for the loss of the moment on November 11, 2008 when my heart swelled with pride and another kind of hope.